I wish that someday when someone again says to me, "I like you" (in that way), I can finally say "I like you" back (provided that I really do like him), instead of doing one of the following: a) telling the other person to stop joking with me, b) running away in hopes of changing the other person's mind about me, or c) staying away from that person for life as if the other person just committed the most horrible crime by liking me.
People often say "Never stop loving" or "You'll never know unless you try," but for people who have been burned, are broken hearted, are bitter, are traumatized, trusting someone again is a hard thing to do. I know it's a lose-lose situation. If you don't give in to your feelings, you lose out, you feel like a cold-hearted person. If you give in, and you get played, then you lose also and you're miserable.
Wouldn't it be nice if guys simply just wore shirts that said, "I'll be horrible to you" or "I'll be good to you" each and every day? I swear, life would be so much easier. If ever I become the ruler of the world, I might just have to pass that into law. ;P
I don't often say good things about myself, but the one thing that I can say is that I'm a decent person. And I hope that God will eventually, in this lifetime, give me a decent person also. Hence, the "Why can't I find someone like me?" line from two days ago. Ahh, see, now you're getting it. ;P Kidding aside, I really do hope that good girls don't finish last in this world...and the same goes for good guys also.
Thursday, January 29, 2004
Wednesday, January 28, 2004
Online Transmission
My first "first time" of the year: I booked a hotel room for the May wedding in Colorado. I did it online, too, so I feel all high-tech and stuff. HeHe.
But I'm still old-fashioned. Am I the only one who gets creeped out by the webcam and voice capabilities of Yahoo! Messenger? ICQ already had "voice" capabilities back in the day, but you weren't talking back and forth. You would record your voice first, then send it to the other person. Whereas in YM these days, your computer actually talks back to you! Then, there's the webcam function: whenever I see one, it always reminds me of The Correspondent's episode on mail-0rder brides from last year. Am I the only one, or do I need to stop watching that show every week? LoL.
Eeek, maybe this is just a sign that I've been online too long. "Back in the day" (circa 1996), all I had was a Mac with like a 13-inch screen, 2600 bps modem, AOL that was charging per hour, and a graphics viewer that would only let me see JPEGs and GIFs of a certain size. Goodness, I bet there's kids out there going "Modems went that slow?!" Shut up, kids. LoL.
But I'm still old-fashioned. Am I the only one who gets creeped out by the webcam and voice capabilities of Yahoo! Messenger? ICQ already had "voice" capabilities back in the day, but you weren't talking back and forth. You would record your voice first, then send it to the other person. Whereas in YM these days, your computer actually talks back to you! Then, there's the webcam function: whenever I see one, it always reminds me of The Correspondent's episode on mail-0rder brides from last year. Am I the only one, or do I need to stop watching that show every week? LoL.
Eeek, maybe this is just a sign that I've been online too long. "Back in the day" (circa 1996), all I had was a Mac with like a 13-inch screen, 2600 bps modem, AOL that was charging per hour, and a graphics viewer that would only let me see JPEGs and GIFs of a certain size. Goodness, I bet there's kids out there going "Modems went that slow?!" Shut up, kids. LoL.
Tuesday, January 27, 2004
Here, There, and Everywhere
Start of moment of weakness -->
I'm single.
Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the wonderful efforts of my love recruiters. Really, I do. And yes, I really do have love recruiters. LoL. Spanning three continents, even. LoL. Their efforts aren't in vain; I just need to wait before I can reap the fruits of those endeavors. HeHe.
Why can't I, or others, find me a guy here? Granted, I'm not trying to find anyone; I'm simply waiting to be found. Ack! LoL. Seriously though, why can't I find someone like me around here? Someone who got kidnapped by his parents and brought to Seattle at an early age; who desires nothing more than to go back to the Philippines (kasi baliw din tulad ko); who speaks Tagalog just as well as English; who graduated from college, but who's miserably unemployed also; who shares the same family drama as I do; who's straight (hahaha); who watches Morning Girls and Oprah everyday (okay, sige, huwag na lang yan); and (since I'm just wishing here) who's pogi and tall. Grabe, talagang ginawang want ad ang website! LoL.
I guess my point is why can't people be "here" rather than "there"? Why can't "there" be "here"? When I heard about someone's wedding proposal story that happened in the Philippines over the holiday season, I was super duper kilig, but quickly got sad over the fact that they can't be together because he's "there" and she's "here." *SIGH.
For someone who truly believes that actions speak louder than words, this "worlds apart issue" is truly tragic. I was chastising someone yesterday after she jokingly declared that she would pick money over a lovelife these days, but in reality, isn't that what all of this separation is about...money (and citizenship laws, hahaha)?
So for those who have their significant other, friends, and family members close by, please realize that you are all so very lucky. *Hikbi*
<-- End of moment of weakness
I'm single.
Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the wonderful efforts of my love recruiters. Really, I do. And yes, I really do have love recruiters. LoL. Spanning three continents, even. LoL. Their efforts aren't in vain; I just need to wait before I can reap the fruits of those endeavors. HeHe.
Why can't I, or others, find me a guy here? Granted, I'm not trying to find anyone; I'm simply waiting to be found. Ack! LoL. Seriously though, why can't I find someone like me around here? Someone who got kidnapped by his parents and brought to Seattle at an early age; who desires nothing more than to go back to the Philippines (kasi baliw din tulad ko); who speaks Tagalog just as well as English; who graduated from college, but who's miserably unemployed also; who shares the same family drama as I do; who's straight (hahaha); who watches Morning Girls and Oprah everyday (okay, sige, huwag na lang yan); and (since I'm just wishing here) who's pogi and tall. Grabe, talagang ginawang want ad ang website! LoL.
I guess my point is why can't people be "here" rather than "there"? Why can't "there" be "here"? When I heard about someone's wedding proposal story that happened in the Philippines over the holiday season, I was super duper kilig, but quickly got sad over the fact that they can't be together because he's "there" and she's "here." *SIGH.
For someone who truly believes that actions speak louder than words, this "worlds apart issue" is truly tragic. I was chastising someone yesterday after she jokingly declared that she would pick money over a lovelife these days, but in reality, isn't that what all of this separation is about...money (and citizenship laws, hahaha)?
So for those who have their significant other, friends, and family members close by, please realize that you are all so very lucky. *Hikbi*
<-- End of moment of weakness
Monday, January 26, 2004
I Believe I Can Fly
This is what happens when I have no one to talk to on AIM or YM: I start pondering about life. No joke. LoL.
I realized that everything in my life is going wrong. Yes, I agree, count your blessings each and every day. However, if those blessings aren't bringing food to the table, then you've got a serious problem, right?
I vividly remember telling Belle and Gio during dinner in 2002 how everything in my life was going well except for one thing: my lovelife. Two years later, the lovelife is still missing in the equation (hahaha), but along with it is everything else that was going well before. In other words, my life right now is completely upside down.
Although, really, I think everything boils down to not being able to jumpstart my career at this point in time. I have always gotten what I've set out to do, but this time, it's quite different from those other times. Want to turn that volunteer job to a paying one? Got it. Want to go to college? Got it. Want to transfer universities? Got it. Want a part-time job with the City of Seattle? Got it. Want an A in Calculus? Got it. Want an internship in the Philippines and have the time of your life? Got it.
I have always believed that if you work hard for it, you will get it. I expected that my hardwork in college will be rewarded with a full-time career in marketing. My expectations have not been met. Currently, I have nothing to show for the blood, sweat, and tears of the past four years, and to put it bluntly, it sucks. My ego/self-esteem/self-worth has been shrinking since July, and today, it is the same size as a speck of dust.
The following is an excerpt from Rosa's blog that I found inspiring a couple of weeks back. I need to start believing again:
so, in everyone's life, i guess, there will be a time in your life when you believe you can do everything. and, for the most part, you could.
maybe reality kicks in after you hit 25. and when reality kicks in, you somewhat stop believing in yourself. you're not as cute anymore, or you're not as young anymore. all of a sudden things stop being simply amazing. and then you stop believing in superwoman you and start thinking that, hey, i'm only human. and you allow yourself little failures here and there and you let go.
no one ever told me that when you stop believing, you also stop doing.
i've stopped running full steam ahead. maybe it's cause i started thinking i was in way over my head. or maybe i just stopped believing in my own greatest product: me.
forget all the new year's resolutions which include me keeping my things neater or me cutting back on buying shoes.
it's time to once again believe in me.
and maybe when i start doing that, i'd be the superwoman everyone -- for some reason -- believes i am.
I realized that everything in my life is going wrong. Yes, I agree, count your blessings each and every day. However, if those blessings aren't bringing food to the table, then you've got a serious problem, right?
I vividly remember telling Belle and Gio during dinner in 2002 how everything in my life was going well except for one thing: my lovelife. Two years later, the lovelife is still missing in the equation (hahaha), but along with it is everything else that was going well before. In other words, my life right now is completely upside down.
Although, really, I think everything boils down to not being able to jumpstart my career at this point in time. I have always gotten what I've set out to do, but this time, it's quite different from those other times. Want to turn that volunteer job to a paying one? Got it. Want to go to college? Got it. Want to transfer universities? Got it. Want a part-time job with the City of Seattle? Got it. Want an A in Calculus? Got it. Want an internship in the Philippines and have the time of your life? Got it.
I have always believed that if you work hard for it, you will get it. I expected that my hardwork in college will be rewarded with a full-time career in marketing. My expectations have not been met. Currently, I have nothing to show for the blood, sweat, and tears of the past four years, and to put it bluntly, it sucks. My ego/self-esteem/self-worth has been shrinking since July, and today, it is the same size as a speck of dust.
The following is an excerpt from Rosa's blog that I found inspiring a couple of weeks back. I need to start believing again:
so, in everyone's life, i guess, there will be a time in your life when you believe you can do everything. and, for the most part, you could.
maybe reality kicks in after you hit 25. and when reality kicks in, you somewhat stop believing in yourself. you're not as cute anymore, or you're not as young anymore. all of a sudden things stop being simply amazing. and then you stop believing in superwoman you and start thinking that, hey, i'm only human. and you allow yourself little failures here and there and you let go.
no one ever told me that when you stop believing, you also stop doing.
i've stopped running full steam ahead. maybe it's cause i started thinking i was in way over my head. or maybe i just stopped believing in my own greatest product: me.
forget all the new year's resolutions which include me keeping my things neater or me cutting back on buying shoes.
it's time to once again believe in me.
and maybe when i start doing that, i'd be the superwoman everyone -- for some reason -- believes i am.
Friday, January 23, 2004
On Life
I just got home from visiting my grandmother in the ICU unit; she was admitted today. Everything is alright, so my sanity is still intact.
Watching her sitting on her bed made me realize how important it is to do everything you've ever wanted to do while you're still young. Many years into the future, when I'm in the same position, I hope to have a smile on my face as if to say, "Hey, don't worry about me being in here. I've lived a good life. If I get stuck in this room from now until whenever, it's not a problem for me because I have nothing else to do; I've done everything that I've wanted already."
Watching her sitting on her bed made me realize how important it is to do everything you've ever wanted to do while you're still young. Many years into the future, when I'm in the same position, I hope to have a smile on my face as if to say, "Hey, don't worry about me being in here. I've lived a good life. If I get stuck in this room from now until whenever, it's not a problem for me because I have nothing else to do; I've done everything that I've wanted already."
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