This is what happens when I have no one to talk to on AIM or YM: I start pondering about life. No joke. LoL.
I realized that everything in my life is going wrong. Yes, I agree, count your blessings each and every day. However, if those blessings aren't bringing food to the table, then you've got a serious problem, right?
I vividly remember telling Belle and Gio during dinner in 2002 how everything in my life was going well except for one thing: my lovelife. Two years later, the lovelife is still missing in the equation (hahaha), but along with it is everything else that was going well before. In other words, my life right now is completely upside down.
Although, really, I think everything boils down to not being able to jumpstart my career at this point in time. I have always gotten what I've set out to do, but this time, it's quite different from those other times. Want to turn that volunteer job to a paying one? Got it. Want to go to college? Got it. Want to transfer universities? Got it. Want a part-time job with the City of Seattle? Got it. Want an A in Calculus? Got it. Want an internship in the Philippines and have the time of your life? Got it.
I have always believed that if you work hard for it, you will get it. I expected that my hardwork in college will be rewarded with a full-time career in marketing. My expectations have not been met. Currently, I have nothing to show for the blood, sweat, and tears of the past four years, and to put it bluntly, it sucks. My ego/self-esteem/self-worth has been shrinking since July, and today, it is the same size as a speck of dust.
The following is an excerpt from Rosa's blog that I found inspiring a couple of weeks back. I need to start believing again:
so, in everyone's life, i guess, there will be a time in your life when you believe you can do everything. and, for the most part, you could.
maybe reality kicks in after you hit 25. and when reality kicks in, you somewhat stop believing in yourself. you're not as cute anymore, or you're not as young anymore. all of a sudden things stop being simply amazing. and then you stop believing in superwoman you and start thinking that, hey, i'm only human. and you allow yourself little failures here and there and you let go.
no one ever told me that when you stop believing, you also stop doing.
i've stopped running full steam ahead. maybe it's cause i started thinking i was in way over my head. or maybe i just stopped believing in my own greatest product: me.
forget all the new year's resolutions which include me keeping my things neater or me cutting back on buying shoes.
it's time to once again believe in me.
and maybe when i start doing that, i'd be the superwoman everyone -- for some reason -- believes i am.